


breaking, making it harder to breathe

by mainvocalrocky (infinityxu)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: AU, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, boys crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 21:59:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14246610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinityxu/pseuds/mainvocalrocky
Summary: Seungcheol was on the way, he was going to help him, but Jihoon felt his lungs wrap around his heart tighter with every minute. He just hoped that he could hold himself together, for once.





	breaking, making it harder to breathe

**Author's Note:**

> sort of self projecting lolol sorry  
> I'm working on softer things! Writing a lot of SVT for sure
> 
>  
> 
> **_warnings:_ references/mentions of self harm, anxiety **

Jihoon wanted to throw up.

 

_ “I’ll come over, okay? You stay put, I’ll be there soon.” _

 

Jihoon wasn’t sure what to say to him, in fact, the words that fell out of his mouth were a jumbled mess. He wished he could give Seungcheol a straight answer, but he really,  _ really  _ couldn’t. He couldn’t even breathe right, at this point.

 

_ “Jihoon, I need you to breathe, yeah?”  _ Seungcheol’s voice was calm, but filmed to the brim with worry nonetheless, and Jihoon felt terrible for it. Normally, he would have never gone and  _ called  _ someone for help, never. But there was something in the back of his head saying that he couldn’t do this alone right now, that the consequences of suffering in the dark wouldn’t be ones that ended well.  _ “Take a deep breath. Try for me.” _

 

The breaths Jihoon’s lungs puffed out were so erratic that he wasn’t entirely sure if he could even do that, but he tried his best to at least inhale. To take some sort of breath.

 

_ “I love you, Jihoonie. I’m almost there. I love you so much.” _

 

He sputtered out something, needing Seungcheol to hear. “You sh - shouldn’t be on the phone while driving,” his sentence was so broken up through his breaths and increasing sobs, he had to only hope that Seungcheol understood what he said.

 

_ “Don’t be stupid. I’m not gonna hang up on you.”  _ Seungcheol tried to say as sweetly as possible, and Jihoon hated it. He hated that Seungcheol needed to reassure him for even that, when he didn’t have to.  _ “And you won’t either. Okay? Stay on with me.” _

 

Jihoon nodded, before realizing that of course, Seungcheol wouldn’t be able to see that. He choked back another sob, screwing his eyes shut and using his free hand to roughly rub at the tears.

 

_ “I hate asking this over the phone,” _ Seungcheol started, voice a little shaky, as if he was holding his breath, or even holding back tears. Jihoon hated it. He never wanted to hear Seungcheol’s voice sound that way, especially knowing it was because of himself.  _ “Did you hurt yourself, Jihoonie?” _

 

“Only once,” Jihoon tried to defend, knowing that wasn’t the answer that Seungcheol wanted but it was the one he gave, anyway. It would be hard to hide when Seungcheol got here, anyway. He was probably still bleeding, after wrapping it so carelessly. “I promise, I - I’m sorry -”

 

_ “It’s okay, it’s okay.”  _ Seungcheol’s voice was still shaky, as if he was trying to calm himself down.  _ “I’m just glad you called me, Jihoonie - I’m so glad.” _

 

Jihoon wasn’t too sure what made him do it, honestly.

 

He wasn’t sure what this was, right now. A panic attack, an anxiety attack? He didn’t know, all he knew was that his brain was firing at him a million miles an hour, and he was suddenly wondering so many things at once. If his friends hated him, if they were keeping secrets. If he was a burden to Seungcheol, if he was cheating on him with that guy - Jeonghan, whoever - that he was always with. If those freshmen - Seokmin, Seungkwan - if they were just using him, if they didn’t actually find value in his teaching. If Jisoo really hated the music Jihoon made, and he was only being nice because he’d seen the scars, because Jihoon wasn’t careful enough to cover them. 

 

Idiot.

 

_ “Jihoon, your apartment number is fourteen right? On the sixth floor?” _ Seungcheol asked, and it sounded like he was getting out his car. Slamming the door shut, locking the car.

 

“Yeah,” Jihoon sniffed, trying his hardest to keep his breaths steady. The anxiety felt like it was it was getting worse, because even though he called Seungcheol for help, he didn’t want him to see him like this. No one had ever seen him like this.

 

Jihoon barely made it to the kitchen the way his legs were shaking. He needed to wrap his wrist properly before Seungcheol got up there to him, because he didn’t want him to see. He couldn’t.

 

There were some bandages in the drawer, right beside where he kept his knives. His brain was screaming at him. One side was telling him to just get the bandages and go back to his room, and the other was telling him to take a knife. Take a knife. Take a knife.

 

_ “Jihoonie, can you hear me? Jihoon?” _ Seungcheol’s voice was frantic, just as Jihoon was reaching for the knife drawer.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jihoon huffed out the breath he was holding, wondering how long Seungcheol had been talking. He hadn’t heard any of it.

 

_ “I’m here, please open the door.”  _ Seungcheol said, sounding even more worried than before, if that was possible. Jihoon was so hesitant. He wanted to tell Seungcheol to go away, he wanted to hang up and sneak out through the window, even though he’d called Seungcheol. Even though he was just here to help him, he couldn’t help but think that it was more than that. That Seungcheol was coming to yell at him. That he was going to take him to a mental hospital.

 

“Please - don’t take me there,” Jihoon was talking to his thoughts and his feet weren’t taking him to the door. He was still standing in the kitchen, completely frozen.

 

_ “What? Jihoon, I’m not taking you anywhere.” _ Seungcheol told him, sounding afraid. Of course he was. He was afraid of Jihoon, because he was insane. Mentally unstable.  _ “Please, Jihoon. Open the door. Whatever you’re telling yourself is wrong, baby. I’m just here to help you, yeah?” _

 

Jihoon hung up.

 

He was sobbing again, on the kitchen floor, now. His phone was far from him, he wasn’t sure how it had gotten there, but he saw Seungcheol calling again. He wasn’t going to answer.

 

He wanted to fall asleep, he wanted to wake up on the floor and push his feelings out of his mind, he wanted to go to school the next day and pretend he was okay. Just like he always did. What was he thinking, calling Seungcheol like that? Telling someone that he wasn’t okay, inviting someone to pry open his wounds. He couldn’t do that. It was enough that Seungcheol had found out he was hurting himself.

 

Jihoon just sat there and cried. He cried until it hurt to breathe, just like he always did.

 

“Jihoon,” his voice wasn’t coming from the phone anymore, but he was in the kitchen, now. He was holding him just as soon as he entered the apartment, crying just as much as Jihoon was, but trying much harder to stop than Jihoon was trying.

 

Jihoon felt himself calming down, despite not knowing how Seungcheol got in. He was hating himself already, not for calling Seungcheol, but for throwing this all at him at once. He called him crying, when Seungcheol had only ever seen him upset, at most. For hanging up on him, for scaring him like that.

 

Seungcheol was too good for him. He didn’t deserve any of it.

 

Seungcheol was properly bandaging Jihoon’s arm, after an amount of time passed that Jihoon wasn’t able to make sense of. He just let Seungcheol hold him until he couldn’t anymore.

 

He was quiet, and after Jihoon stopped crying too, it was unnerving. He was initially afraid of what Seungcheol would say, but now, he wasn’t saying anything. That was worse.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jihoon managed to mumble just as Seungcheol finished with his wrist. The words were a breath he hardly managed to mutter out, he really didn't have the energy to say much else. But his apology was sincere.

 

He saw Seungcheol’s eyes start watering, and the latter leaned in to hold him again. A hand in the back of his head and in his hair, with the other on his back. “You scared me.” He mumbled. Jihoon could hardly hear him.

 

Jihoon knew he meant the hanging up, mostly. For some reason, it seemed like a good idea at the time. For some reason, Jihoon assumed that if he hung up, Seungcheol would forget about him, and just go away. But Seungcheol cared so  _ much _ . Jihoon was an idiot to think that he would just forget.

 

“I'm staying here tonight.” Seungcheol said, in a soft tone. The irrational side of Jihoon's brain wanted to tell him no. He wanted to tell him to go away and leave him alone. But that wasn't what he wanted - he didn't want to be alone.

 

So Jihoon didn't reject him. In fact, he pulled himself closer into Seungcheol’s chest, maybe even trying for a grip around him.

 

“I love you,” Seungcheol said just as Jihoon moved closer, tightening himself around him. “Can you stand?”

 

Jihoon huffed a quiet yes, still hanging on to Seungcheol as he pushed himself off of the floor, making a small noise of discomfort when his head started to swim. Seungcheol still held him closely, though, thankfully, as the two of them stood.

 

It was quiet again as Seungcheol helped Jihoon back to his room, and onto the bed. He wandered out of the room momentarily and returned with a glass of water, asking Jihoon to at least take a sip - but he was so beyond embarrassed, mortified at this point, that he didn’t even want to look at Seungcheol. But Seungcheol wasn’t leaving. He sat beside him, on the bed, still holding the glass.

 

“How’d you get in,” Jihoon mumbled, eyes still at the floor. He said it through a sniff.

 

“I, uhm. Broke your door open.” Seungcheol paused, as if contemplating his decision. “You didn't hear it?”

 

Jihoon felt a smile growing on his face, but he tried to hold it back. He was definitely amused, but not surprised that Seungcheol would try that instead of simply asking the front desk for an extra key. “You broke my door?”

 

“I know, that was really stupid but I promise I'll fix it, I was just really worried about you and I didn't - ”

 

“Thank you.” Jihoon said, almost not trusting himself to look at Seungcheol, even though he really wanted to. He was really cute when he rambled like that. “Thank you, for...for caring. That much.” Jihoon's eyes were starting to water again.

 

Seungcheol didn't use any words this time, but instead, he took his hand. Jihoon's chest tightened, and he felt tears welling up in his eyes. He leaned into Seungcheol and maybe, for once, he needed someone to support him.

 

“I know...I know I can't understand any of this. I know I can't say that I know how it feels.” Seungcheol said softly, holding Jihoon a little closer. He leaned back onto the bed and Jihoon fell back with him, curling into his warmth. Seungcheol squeezed his hand tighter. “But I'm here for you. Always. Even if you don't want me here.”

 

Jihoon had heard so many people come and go, saying they understand what was going on in his head, even when it was impossible that they would know. Seungcheol didn't know either, but he wasn't pretending to. He was supporting him either way.

 

Jihoon only nodded, feeling his eyes start to close. Feeling his body relax, despite the pain in his wrist, despite the pain in his heart. He knew he’d still be hurting when he woke up, it had been that way for a long time. But with Seungcheol here, it was bearable. He made it okay, even if it wasn’t a permanent fix. He was here, and real. His thoughts were the imposters.

 

Seungcheol moved both of them so they were under the cover, and Jihoon craved contact, for once. He wouldn’t let go of Seungcheol, even if he knew that he wouldn’t leave.

 

“I love you, Jihoonie. Sleep, okay?” Seungcheol told him, pressing a kiss to his temple. Jihoon didn’t typically like that, but he didn’t mind it this time. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

 

“Thank you,” he said again, so softly that he could hardly hear himself.

**Author's Note:**

> as always please come talk to me [here](http://mainvocalrocky.tumblr.com) on tumblr!! Thank you very much for reading I love yall so so much ♥♥♥


End file.
